26 Of My Strongest Opinions About Food
Yes, your tallow fries suck. No, please don't pour olive oil on my ice cream.
Hello! I woke up feeling like a mild hater, gently annoyed at at a few things, so I scrapped the plans for today’s newsletter. Instead, here is a list of 26 very strong food opinions that I have.
Every restaurant menu should include at least two solid vegetarian options (and only one of them can be pasta or an Impossible burger). If you cannot cook food that does not have animal proteins than perhaps you can’t really cook.
Speaking of, your fries should always be vegetarian! Stop frying shit in beef tallow simply because you are afraid of seed oils or love a buzzy phrase. Those fries don’t necessarily taste that great and can well let fries be the one thing that everyone, no matter what their dietary preferences are (vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free, dairy-free, soy-free etc). The only exception is fancy restaurant duck fat fries.
Olive oil does not belong on ice cream! No oil does. I don’t want to eat cold oil on on sweet things ever.
Gummy bears taste better if you let them “cure,” aka let them go a little stale. Better texture! More chew!
Let’s stop trying to compare the food scenes of different major cities. Why does one have to be better than the other? They are all great for different reasons. Seriously, if one more person asks me “do you think LA or NYC has better food,” I will lose my brain.
French food is good but does not need to be and should not be the culinary standard.
I really can’t stand salt snobs. Use whatever kind makes you happy, as long as you use it.
Fresca is an elite soda. I wish there were more grapefruit-flavored things on the market.
Americans don’t appreciate fruit or fruit-flavored things enough.
Milk chocolate is better than dark chocolate. White chocolate is also great in certain situations.
One of those situations is when it is combined with macadamia nuts and sold as a cookie at Subway. It’s the only thing at subway worth eating.
I find few things more boring than the American obsession with chicken. Why do American’s love chicken so much?
Heinz is superior ketchup. I don’t want your housemade version. Ever.
If your restaurant does not have a pastry chef, make sure to add a sundae to the dessert menu. This is also the best dinner party hosting trick.
You should always store your ginger in the freezer. Never goes bad and it’s easier to grate.
Coke Zero is better than Diet Coke which is better than Diet Pepsi which is better than Diet Pepsi Zero Sugar.
Never show up to a dinner party/someone’s house empty handed. Even a bottle of seltzer is a nice gesture.
Watermelon is a great fruit. Most watermelon-flavored things makes me want to throw up.
Champagne tastes best in a wine glass, not a flute.
It’s okay to not put chili crisp on everything. Ice cream included!
The shape and size of ice really does matter and it is dependent on what type of beverage you are serving.
Sourdough bread tastes best when sliced, toasted, slathered with good butter that melts into the crevices, and sprinkled with a pinch of salt.
Water tastes best in super thin glassware.
Eating with your hands is not controversial or “dirty” or “third world. Plenty of ~ classic American ~ foods are eaten by hand: burgers, hot dogs, sandwiches, nachos, chips, fries, you name it. Every year when I worked as a food editor, I had a white man try and pitch me a story about eating with his hands for a week and I could not roll my eyes harder then, or now.
Stuffing a dish with expensive ingredients like caviar, wagyu, foie gras does not make it luxurious or cool or interesting. Real luxury is time. (More on this soon.)
Peanut butter and jelly is elite when made with grape or strawberry jam but terrible when made with anything else. Crunchy peanut butter is tolerable, but smooth is ideal.
Would love to know your strongest food beliefs in the comments.
Haha I was 100% with you until the very end! Crunchy PB 4evr
Mine is that cereal is best enjoyed as a late night snack.