If You Do One Thing This Year, Throw a Dinner Party
some rules, some theme ideas, and the urgent case for gathering offline.
Los Angeles is still fighting the wild fires and recovery is going to be a long road. I highly encourage those who can afford to, to donate directly to the GoFundMe campaigns of people and families who have been displaced by the fires. And please continue to support local restaurants!
There is a Barbara Walter’s quote that I think about often:
I can get a better grasp of what is going on in the world from one good Washington dinner party than from all the background information NBC piles on my desk.
Swap Washington for wherever you are; and “background information NBC piles on my desk,” to the constant churn of information from the internet and the quote applies to basically everyone.
In a time where we are more chronically online than ever, where loneliness rates are sky rocketing, where algorithms are being constantly bought, sold, and manipulated, gathering with actual humans — and gathering with them offline — feels more urgent than ever before. The best way to gather? A dinner party.
Unlike a full-blown party (which the Atlantic recommends throwing more of) the dinner party is much more intimate and requires everyone to fully participate. The dinner party can be humble or extravagant, last minute or meticulously planned, cooked-from-scratch or store-bought (or something in between).
Inevitably, there is curation involved — menu, decor, guest list, music playlist — but unlike digital curation, physical curation is not necessarily about presenting as perfect, but directing focus on to a specific set of items that create joy for the host, and ideally those in attendance. Even if the person hosting is obsessed with presenting a perfect image of themselves and their home, bits of imperfection, of humanity, will always find a way to slip through offline. You can’t filter real life.
That is something that feels more important than ever. To spend time among flaws, among imperfections. That salad might be overdressed but it’s still crunchy and nourishing; that friend might laugh too loud but it emanates from a genuine place. Online, if something makes you mildly uncomfortable or bored, you can instantly move on with a swipe or click. Those options don’t exist in person — instead you must find a way to become comfortable.
What I think I love most about dinner parties, besides the collective oohs-and-ahhs when the host drops something impressive on the table, are the conversations. The random bits of useless and harmless gossip; the gestures and expressions on someone’s face when they tell a story; the gestures and expressions on someone’s face when they hear a story; the wild and fun assortment of recommendations (books, movies, pantry items, trips, music, and once, a recommendation for the best haircut i’ve ever had.) The laughter that inevitably occurs. I love that laughter above all else. Tiny, brief, seconds-long vacations from life. And though we tend to surround ourselves with people of similar value systems, it’s much harder to skew humans and their honest thoughts than it is an algorithm.
I think there’s a handful of guidelines worth sticking to for a successful dinner party:
A great dinner party is 6 people or less. Any larger, and it’s hard for everyone to converse or participate as a group and then it becomes an evening of disparate conversations.
There should be enough food for at least 1.5x the number of attendees (including yourself.) Be ready for leftovers! Think of it as meal prep.
Use real plates, not paper. Feels more thoughtful and it’s better for the environment.
Keep it simple. It shouldn’t feel insanely stressful to host unless you’re someone who enjoys that type of stress (me?!).
Don’t be afraid to ask guests to bring easy-to-source or easy to make things that would make hosting easier. Think beverages or a loaf of bread or something of their choice for dessert.
If you’re a guest help clean up or offer to! Just basic manners.
Show up with a small present for the host! Can be flowers, a bottle of wine, a pack of seltzer, a bar of chocolate, a candle, a fun condiment, some tea, or nice fruit? Doesn’t need to expensive, just thoughtful.
The majority of the food should be able to feed the person with the most dietary restrictions. This one is controversial I know, but if you’re inviting someone over, make sure they actually feel welcomed and taken care of. That’s half the point of connection. If you have a friend who is vegetarian, the majority of the meal should be vegetarian. Someone can’t eat gluten? Maybe skip a pasta-centric meal for something with rice. This also saves you the trouble of making two versions, or asking someone to leave hungry.
Phones should mostly be put away. Fine to take the occasional picture and answer emergencies, but being offline is perhaps the most important part of it all!
Dinner Party Theme Ideas
Delivery Dinner
I’ve seen this one all over IG and TikTok and it genuinely looks charming and low stakes. Set a max spend limit and each person orders something from a restaurant they love to be delivered. This is a fun way to support restaurants, too!
Congee Club
It’s incredibly easy (and affordable) to make a large batch of congee. Make a vegetarian/vegan version and it also accommodates for many dietary restrictions. Set out a number of toppings for people to customize their own bowls.
Silver Platters
This is less about what you serve, but more what you serve it on. Stainless steel decor is timeless and gorgeous and currently everywhere at the moment. Even a simple pasta and salad, or roast chicken and vegetable situation with ice cream piled high in silver cups for dessert looks and feels impressive.
Singular Ingredient
I love creativity within constraints, and centering a meal around a singular ingredient is the perfect exercise. Suggestions: tomato, pistachio, carrots, dates, ricotta cheese.
Hand Roll
DIY sushi hand rolls are easy for guests to put together and easy to prep. Slice vegetables and fresh fish, make a batch of sushi rice, grab a package of seaweed and some instant miso soup packets. Maybe a package of mochi ice cream for dessert.
Cookbook Dinner
There are so many incredible cookbooks out there! A full meal from a book that is languishing out on your shelves is a great way to really cook through it when you need some inspiration. This is essentially a low stakes cookbook club. If you need a starting point, might I point you in the direction of the cookbook I published last year?
No Waste/Low Waste
My friend
Would people want a Tap Is Fine community dinner party? Let me know that and your favorite dinner party dishes/tricks/themes in the comments.
How do we feel about name cards at dinner parties and curating the space for individual connections?
I love this so dang much. Just had a dinner party last night with four friends: Pasta, board games, and Mario Party. Live for it!!